A couple of months ago, I had Dr. H take out a smidgen of fluid out of my band because I felt like I was too tight. I was tempted (very tempted) to just deal with it. After all, I wasn’t drinking my hot chocolate in the mornings like I was supposed to, and I was sure that if I did that, I wouldn’t get stuck as often. He didn’t agree, and nudged me toward a very slight UNfill, saying that I was nearing my sweet spot where I wouldn’t need many more fills. This was okay – at first. I was glad that I was finally able to eat solids again. I had begun to drink only protein shakes to get my nutrition, and my hair was falling out in massive amounts.

He also told me to increase my calories to 1100. I was pretty scared about this, because I knew that there was no way I was going to get that many calories! I was struggling to get 800 calories!! But I managed to do it ONE week!! I was sooo proud of myself. I had joined a weight loss challenge – The Biggest Loser Challenge at The Shake Down here in Texarkana. (I had offered to not participate b/c of the unfair advantage my band would give me, but since there were several other bandsters participating, they assured me my presence was welcome). So I went to this weight loss challenge, and the lady conducting the challenge also told me my target calorie range should be 1100. So I was thinking, “Ok, maybe Dr. H isn’t off his gourd, I’ll increase the calories!” For one week, I tried – really hard – to increase my calories to 1100. Most nights I was successful, so I thought I was doing great! Right?? WRONG! I gained 2 lbs that first week. UGGGGHHHHHH….

I went back to Dr. H. He said – stay strong, keep up the calories, up the protein, and NO FILL. ERRR….. Went back to weigh again – gained another 3 lbs. Now I’m pissed. Like seriously??? Really??? Is this what I can expect for the rest of my life? Under 1100 calories or I gain weight? Do I have to live on 800 calories a day in order to just maintain my current weight?? To say that I’m discouraged is a vast understatement. I’m not sure where I’ll go from here. Dr. H suggested I start strength training – but I have 3 kids and homeschool them all. We are a one income family (not made up of doctors) and we can’t afford a gym membership. He even said himself that soup cans weren’t going to cut it. So where do I go from here? I guess I’ll just have to get creative, channel my inner Rocky Balboa, and make it happen. Quitting is not in my vocabulary, so I’ll have to find a way to make it work.

Maybe I’ll go back down to 800 calories and lose all my hair. Maybe I’ll maintain at 190….whatever I do, I WON’T GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. I can’t bear to see that scale go past 200 again. Won’t do it. Never again…. Sorry to be such a Negative Nancy – that’s just where I am right now…but I have faith that it will get better!

So there are my 2 grocery carts over-flowing with cookies, pizzas, brownie mix, chips, nacho cheese sauce, and one rather large bag of M & M’s. And of course all THAT stuff was on top. You couldn’t see the box of Healthy Choice Soups, or the bag of frozen Tilapia, tuna, and fresh fruit I bought for myself!! She spoke, and she was really nice. She didn’t comb through my cart and start analyzing the calorie and protein content in each of these awful selections. But I can’t help but wonder if she peaked a little when I wasn’t looking. And what she must have thought!! OMG!!

I admit that I check out other people’s grocery carts when I’m in line – not to see how much hemmoroid cream they bought (EW!), but because I’m a menu planner, and I love trying new things. I like to see what other people like to eat!! I’ve gotten many dinner ideas from my subtle snooping! There I said it!! I’m a grocery cart snooper!! Do you check out other people’s grocery carts, too??

My 3rd fill has left me a little tight. Which is I guess what it’s supposed to feel like. I’m able to eat solid foods and keep them down, but I’ve found that eating is such a chore because I can’t eat most meats…so in order to get in my protein (or at least part of it), I’ve gone back to protein shakes and bars for most meals. My husband says I’m not eating enough calories. At the end of most days, my calories total up to anywhere between 600 – 800. I’m exercising – a LOT. But the scale doesn’t budge.

I still haven’t been able to break 200. I shuffle back and forth between 204 and 200. But never under 200. If I could just hit 199 just ONCE….I’d fall on my face and kiss that darn scale!!

I do have some added stress this summer. I’m keeping two of my kiddos friends for the summer. The boys get along fine, but the girls are a different story. The girls are all competing for their role as “boss,” and I get to listen to screaming and crying all day long. Could my body be hanging on to the fat as a hiding mechanism?? LOL…

I’m going to try to focus more on the non-scale victories…I’m going to put the scale away and only weigh in once a week. I’m going to keep exercising, and I’m going to watch my protein a little better. I guess I’ll also try to increase my caloric intake to at least 800. That always makes me nervous, though. I’ll see how it works for a couple of weeks, anyway.

Hope everybody’s having a great summer!!

My dress size has shrunk to a size 14!! Woop Woop!! But of course, the cut of the dress has a lot to do with it. If it’s slightly flared at the hips, I’m good. If it’s a straight cut, it looks like…well…let’s just say it ain’t pretty.  All the Spanx in the world couldn’t make that pretty!! 

The pregnant-looking belly is the part that irritates me the most. Since the rest of me is shrinking, and the belly is hanging on for dear life, I really am worried about looking preggers!! No one has said anything yet – but that’s always been the one thing to make me spiral into a oblivion of self-loathing (usually accompanied by a gallon of ice cream). I’ll never forget the time I was in Target with my brand-new baby (ok, so she was actually 4 months, but so what), and this wicked old lady came up to me and PUT HER HAND ON MY BELLY AND ASKED ME WHY ON EARTH I WAS HAVING ANOTHER! I wanted to slap her, and I couldn’t decide which infraction made me the angriest.  Was it because she touched me, a perfect stranger?  Was it because she thought that it was her business to scold me about how many children I choose to have?  Or was it because she was evil and thought I was pregnant?  Her daughter (or grand-daughter) came running over apologizing, but the damage had been done. After she was shaken from my evil, icy stare she walked away. I ran home and devoured an entire box of oatmeal cream pies.  Pretty much the story of my life…moving on…

I haven’t been feeling all that great lately – maybe that has something to do with the unexplained weight loss. A couple of weeks ago, I went to my PCP because of some dizziness and fainting. My blood pressure was very low, but my heart rate was fine. Go figure. They did an EKG, and everything was fine there too. My doc wasn’t real happy – but only because she didn’t know what was going on with me. I’ve been having these weird semi-blackout occurences, too. I haven’t actually passed out – but I feel and see this blackness coming around me…when it gets to the point where I can hardly see, I’ll sit down and wait it out. It usually passes in a couple of minutes, and then I’m incrediby tired. It’s very difficult to muster enough energy to get up from where I’m sitting. The first time it happened, I slept for 3 hours afterwards. Weird, huh? My PCP told me to call her back in 2 weeks if I have any more problems, but I haven’t done that because I’m scared of what she’ll do. She said she’d run a “battery of tests.” What does THAT mean???  Argh…(that’s pirate for ‘dang’).

Dr. H asked me yesterday if I’d been eating okay, and I truthfully told him yes. I’ve been struggling with hunger about 1 1/2 – 2 hours after a meal, but I’ve grown used to it. He gave me my 3rd fill, and I was on my way.  The usual requirement of liquids/mushies for 2 days was in effect.  But since I’m so much smarter than someone with a medical license (yeah right!) I decided this morning that I was ready for solids.  I tried a protein bar. I vomited the protein bar.  Next time I’ll be listening to Dr. H!!

Moonlight!! No kids allowed!!! It’s absolutely the most beautiful, peaceful time!! The hubs and I put the kiddos (worn out from a full day of swimming) to bed, grab our suits and towels, and head out to the pool! It’s always so warm at night, and the stars are breathtaking!

I start with basic water aerobic exercises, do some laps, and then have fun doing the silly stuff we all did as kids: handstands, snorkeling, flips, and diving off the diving board! We almost always have our retro tunes turned on. Good thing the kids are in bed, right?! What would they think if they saw Mommy doing a cannonball off the diving board to the sound of Vanilla Ice, Ice Baby…Too Cold, Too Cold!!?? HA!

After we’ve had our fun, Hunky Hubby and I spend the rest of our time floating on our backs watching the stars. What a wonderful way to get some much needed exercise, and much MORE needed grown up time after a long day of entertaining neighborhood kiddos!

What types of exercises are YOU doing this summer??

I just hate May – all the End of Year banquets, receptions, cook-outs, parties, etc.  And they all serve the same food – high fat, high calorie, most of the time low protein.  I feel like the lady from the Burger King commercial from the 80′s :  “Where’s the Beef??”  I need some protein, people!!  Enough of the casseroles and  finger sandwiches!  And what’s with the ridiculous little cakes on the tiny little doily-thing?  Good golly!! 

PLUS…on Friday, my sweet baby girl was bitten in the face by my sweet little dog.  I really can’t go into the whole ordeal again without becoming depressed all over again, so if you’re interested, here’s the link to my family blog…just don’t tell the church lady to add me to the prayer list, okay??  lol…

Did I mention that I’m soooooo ready for summer?  We open our pool in 3 weeks (gotta wait for the hubs to get a weekend off b/c I sure can’t do it by myself!), and that means SWIMMING!!!  Exercise without sweating!  Woohoooooooo!!!    I can’t wait!    I really need to add in some exercise!  I think that will jumpstart my weight loss again for sure.   Hope everyone has a great week! 

So why is it, then, that the weight is dropping soooooo sllllllllooowwwwwwwwlllyy??? Because I’m stressed beyond my max. I’ve tried to keep my family life somewhat private – not because I’m a super-secret ninja type who always refers to her kiddos by using code names, but because I have another blog which deals with that part of my life.  I’m a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 4 wonderful kiddos.  My life….is crazy.  My kids…are crazy.  My husband…is wonderful (but crazy).   I wanted a place where I could get away.   This blog was supposed to be just for me – a place where I could feel totally at ease and comfortable saying ANYTHING. Who cares anyway, right? I can be honest here and not fear that the church lady from 3 pews up is going to put me on the prayer list because I can’t seem to shed the pounds fast enough.

And the truth is, “Mommy-Me,” isn’t all that I am.  It’s a big part of who I’ve become, but through all the pregnancies and miscarriages and childbirths, I’ve changed.  I’ve changed for the better, and for the worst.  The “Mommy-Me” stresses me out.  I used to be so laid back and carefree.  I loved hard rock music like Metallica, Jane’s Addiction, Alice in Chains, and Live (no, I wasn’t on drugs, I swear).  I was a cheerleader, sorority girl, and loved to volunteer my time.  I wore toe rings, had long, curly hair, and I couldn’t wait to turn 21 so I could get a tatoo and a belly-button ring.   I was very confident in myself – I knew where I wanted to go in life, and I wasn’t afraid to go and get it.   And that’s about the time God started laughing at my awesome display of  idiocy and arrogance and said  ”Heh, heh…Watch this!”   Life happens.   I now drive a 7 passenger vehicle (I traded the mini-van for an SUV that only looks like a minivan because it’s much more cool to drive an SUV, right?!)  lol… The XM in my car is permanently tuned to Radio Disney, and all I can do when I see a tatoo or a belly-button ring is cringe.  UGH….I’m different now. 

I’ve learned to just go with the flow most of the time.  But lately, I’m stressed and I don’t really know why.  I don’t really have an excuse – nothing’s really changed in my life except my schedule.  I’d blame it on the kids if I could , but truth be told: they’ve been pretty darn good lately.  I am taking on a little (ok, a LOT) more than I used to with the cleaning.  I’m constantly cleaning.  I like it.  I don’t like cleaning other people’s messes and clutter just because they’re too lazy to do it.  Now, THAT bothers me.  But cleaning my house gives me a sense of calm and joy knowing that I’m making our home a better place for my kiddos to live. 

So what’s going on with me??  I went back to my PCP a couple of weeks ago to get back on my thyroid medication.  I had run out and hadn’t had the time to go get a refill.  That could be part of it.  I told her how I was feeling, and she basically told me I was normal.   So evidently I’m not bipolar, schizophrenic, or otherwise mentally and/or emotionally abnormal.  Somebody please tell the fat.  It’s hanging on for dear life because it thinks something’s up.  I’m normal, dang it!!!   GO AWAY ALREADY!!!

But don’t get me wrong – I’m NOT going to fail at this.  I know this isn’t a quick fix (kind of wish it had been, though).   I know that I’m still going to have to change my life completely in order for this to work.  And I have changed my life:  my eating habits AND  my lazy tendencies.  Nowdays, when I’m bored – I no longer go to the fridge to find something to eat.  I go to the fridge to clean it out….or the pantry….or my car….or the attic.  Cleaning is my new addiction.  I hate it, but I love the effects of it.  I love how relaxed I feel when I’m sitting in my clean house!!  I love getting up in the morning and stumbling into my kitchen, only to find a clean, shiny sink with NO DISHES in it! 

So I guess I kind of feel like I’m doing ALL this work, and I’m not really seeing the results as quickly as I’d hoped.  I don’t know what I expected – I mean, 51 lbs is awesome…but I’m still in the same size clothes as I was before.  I can fit into one size down, but it’s a tight squeeze, and sort of uncomfortable.  I don’t know – maybe I’m just used to wearing “buffet britches,” and getting back into normal button/zip/snap type clothes are taking some getting used to. 

::SIGH::  I guess I’m just impatient.  I’m working on that, though.  I’m also working on my newly acquired disorders:  OSCD – Obsessive Scale Checking Disorder; and DCD - Dysfunctionl Comparison Disorder….ok, ya got me – both terms are completely made up, but they’re very real to me!!!  I am trying so hard to stop comparing myself to other people.  I don’t know how many times I asked Dr. H if 7 lbs was “normal.”  Geesh!! 

Ya’ll bear with me – I’m a work in progress!!!

Ok, the truth is I really have been busy. I signed the littlest kiddo up for t-ball, and we’ve been practicing a LOT. I also started a new household routine that has my day pretty much covered up with cleaning. By the time I actually get to sit down and get to blogging, I’m zonked (or the hubs has confiscated the computer, and I’m too lazy to get up and go elsewhere…err).

Anywho – I had my first fill on March 18. So far so good, I guess. Truthfully, I can’t tell much of a difference. The doc said that I probably wouldn’t start really losing until my 4th or 5th fill. I really hope that’s not the case. How is it that everybody else drops so much so quickly?

I’m losing, but it’s a lot slower than I had anticipated. I’m drinking water now, lots of it! I’m up to 800 calories a day without having to work at it. I haven’t been “stuck” yet. And my scale is steadily going in the right direction, albeit a little slowly. So I guess I can count it as a success thus far!

We went to my Mom’s for Easter, like we always do. She had a big buffet-style lunch, like she always does. And I kept my plate small and my portion to a 1/2 cup…like I’ve never done before on Easter!!! I was so proud of myself. I didn’t obsess over calories. I just chose protein and limited it to 1/4 cup. Then I had 1/4 cup of her Weight Watchers Pineapple Upside Down Angel Food Cake, so I wouldn’t feel left out. (I’ve inspired my Mom and sister to start trying to get healthier, so they’ve joined WW together, which made it that much easier on me during lunch to look over and see that they were also watching what they were eating.)

My second fill is scheduled for April 15 at 12:50. Last time, my doc told me that the best fill was one that you didn’t know you had. If that’s true, then my last fill was the BEST! I am still not full after my 1/2 cup…and my stomach is usually growling again after about 2 hours. But, I’ve found that the trick really is in the water!! I’ve heard it all my life, but never really put much thought into it. If my stomach is growling, I drink a bottle of water. If I’m still hungry an hour after that, I’ll have a protein bar. It really is that simple. My life no longer revolves around when and what I’m eating next. I no longer fantasize about fast food. I have 1/2 cup of pizza with the kiddos every Wednesday night at church, and as long as it fits into my calories for the day (which it always has), I’m good!!

I’m loving the band so far – I just wish I felt more full after I eat. Right now, judging by how hungry I feel all the time, I really feel like I’m doing it on my own. Can’t see much benefit from the band so far, for the exception of the mental aspect. I tell myself that I’ll slip my band if I overeat. So I don’t. It’s more of a mental game right now. Hopefully, that will change soon!!

I’m going to start going to the local support group meetings – I just keep forgetting about them! This one is on my calendar!! Thanks for reminding me Misty!! I’m looking forward to meeting you, too!

REALLY. 

But that’s all behind me now!  I’m on solid foods, and I’m loving it!!  I am having a bit of trouble getting all my recommended calories and protein each day.  Betty, my nutritionist/lap-band coordinator, told me that I need to have “NO FEWER than 800 calories a day.”  And I’m really struggling to do that.   Tell me, how do you get that many calories while you’re only eating 1/2 cup of food 3 times a day – with NO snacks?  It’s just not possible.  I’m even having 2 protein shakes a day, and STILL struggling. 

Betty suggested that I have a hot beverage like Diet Hot Chocolate each morning to help loosen my esophagus up.  However, I have had to switch back to regular hot chocolate because I just wasn’t getting in the calories I was supposed to have.  If I don’t get enough calories and protein, not only will I NOT lose weight…but I’ll also start to lose my hair and have all kinds of other health problems. 

Don’t want that.

So…I’ve been adding in a couple of reasonable snacks throughout my day, and that seems to be helping.  The Atkins protein bars have a good protein:carb ratio, and they’re reasonable in the calorie department.  Besides that, they taste pretty darn good!  So that’s helping with the calories AND protein.  My daily intake on a good day is in the high 700′s or 800′s.  And my protein level isn’t a problem now with the protein bars added in.  So I’m getting at least 50 grams of protein now, and I feel soooo much better. 

The other (very gross and disgusting) issue discussed in an earlier post, is no longer an issue.  WOO HOO!!!!  I’m HEALED!!  In fact, I no longer have to take OTC medications in order to have an….um….experience.  I know what you’re thinking.  “Great.  So glad to know this girl is sharing her regularity with me.”  And I promise – I don’t make a habit of sharing such information with perfect strangers.  Really – I very rarely discuss my pooper with anyone.  Well, hardly anyone.  I’m kidding!!   Kind of.  It’s just that when you go through something SO horrific as that- you are overjoyed when things start working correctly again!   They should make a greeting card about this feeling!!  That’s how wonderful it is!    I can see it now – “Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I’m so glad you finally got to poo.”   I think I could seriously start thinking of giving up the proverbial day job!!  

Moving on.  My weight at home has come down only 1 more pound, which is kind of frustrating.  But I’m trying to think positively.  I was expected to GAIN 5 lbs. the first month post-op.  And I guess as long as I don’t gain, I’m doing well.  My diet has increased in volume and type, so I guess that’s part of it.  I’ve started walking, so I hope that speeds things up so I can hurry up and get this weight off.  I guess in addition to being OCD and ADD, I’m also a smidge impatient. 

So…my weight is down to 225 at home.  The doc’s scale probably will say that I’m at 235.  Err….that’s all I have to say.  Damn scale. 

My goals for (what’s left of) this week:

Walk more (I’m already jogging for half of my walk time!! YAY ME!!)

Drink more water

Stop obsessing over the stupid scale.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend!!